Thursday, 16 June 2011
Not good enough.
Have you ever felt like there isn't any point anymore? Like whenever someone tells you something good, you know their lying? Or when you fell like giving up is all you can do? It's that feeling where all you want to do is cry, but still you hold a smile on your face to show everyone that you're alright, when in reality all you want to do is shout out to the world that you need help? Asking for help is something that everyone in their life will do, and it really isn't as bad as people make it out to be. You may think that no one understands what it is that you're going through, but sometimes there will be someone who can tell you even just a little something that can help you, and that will somewhat put your mind at ease, even just for a little while. Sometimes things go wrong, things that are left out of your control, that will leave you wondering what will happen next. You'll panic, get scared and worry about something that probably isn't even that big a deal, and sometimes that isn't even there in the first place, or that isn't even a problem in general, but that's the way your head perceives it to be. Sometimes your feelings and reactions to things are out of your control. People will offer you opportunities you never thought could be acheived. You'll have dreams that you just wish would come true so you could regain optimum happiness. But what if your brains telling you its giving up on all hopes of ever being happy again? What if all you want to do is succeed but these just that thought in the back of your head telling you that what you want can never be obtained? Your brain, above anyone and anything can and will develop into your worst nightmare, because its the only thing sotpping you from being who you are, and to keep you from what you need, at the same time of making you who you are, and helping you get what you want. Sometimes you'll think that you're just not good enough for anything, and that regardless of what anyone says, it will never change how you see yourself. It's like looking in a mirror applying make-up. You see what needs covering up, or what needs adding too, but when you can't apply anymore make-up to what's already on your face, you begin to see what it is that's underneath it all, and how nothing can change what you don't like. Have you ever broken down infront of a mirror? Did you see cracks in your reflection, that you knew just couldn't be changed? Feeling like you're not good enough, or seeing that you're not good enough is one of the hardest things that you can do. If you ever feel like you're not good enough, regardless of what anyone says to you, you know that you're self image is a mess. - Finding faults in yourself, is something that you can't help but do, everyone does it. What if the person that you adore, the people that you hold closest are the ones that you want to believe, but you can't? Like I said, your heads your worst nightmare. It can make you believe things that you don't want to, it can make things that aren't their appear, that can scare you, and above all it can trick you into anything and everything you don't want to believe.
Thursday, 26 May 2011
Susan Josephine Pallas Broad. ♥
It was 2009 when you left. You left on a Wednesday; i remember because we had p.e last period, and i sat in the tennis courts of Ecclesbourne, and watched 6 aeroplanes fly over; i waited until i saw the last one fly, so it seemed like you were in England for an hour longer, when i knew you were long gone by then. When you got there, you showed me a picture of your new house, I loved everything about it, especially the waterfall in the swimming pool. - The first album you uploaded to facebook was of your Easter party over there from last year, I smiled when I saw it, because you looked happy as you always do. - You sent me chocolates for my birthday, i remember being told early morning that a package had arrived for me, but i'd missed it as we were all asleep. I got my mum up and made her drive to the post office at 7am, she wasn't pleased but i knew it was from you so i didn't care. - As i ran through the doors and was handed a big brown box, all i could do was smile. - I sat with it on my lap all the way home, and sat on my bed staring at the card that read "Happy Birthday Danii!, sorry i can't be there!, lots of love Suki xoxox' - I cried as soon as i saw your name on it. I opened up the box, and found an array of brightly coloured wrapped chocolates, i'd never been so excited to receive something. - I ate most of it within the day, but left the chilli love hearts in their box, and put them away safely. I still have them, they sit in the top draw of my bedside cabinet, along with your blue ribbon and strawberry lipbalm that you left at mine the night before you left. I still have it all, in a little box that has your name written on it, i have a picture of us that was taken in 2005 when i was at yours on the keyboard, and you were on your drums. I have a picture of us that you drew for us, and the purple bayblade that used to be your favourite that you gave to me when you went. I keep them all, and haven't cherished anything as much as those items, because i know that if i just have them close to me, it's like you're still here. The blue necklace and earrings you bought me, i still wear them. I still listen to Augustana-Boston, and remember you saying you'd listen to it when you took off in the plane. - I remember the exact words you said to me in the summer of 08 when you told me you were planning on going, we were sitting in your garden, playing with the timebox that we put there - and you looked at me and said Danii i'm going to New Zealand next year! you smiled, such a heartwarming smile. I was so excited for you, until i realised i knew you weren't going to come back for a few years. I haven't seen you since the christmas of 2009 - 2 years that have been practically empty without you here, it may seem like nothing, but within that time so much has changed. I know you probably don't, but i think about you every single day - and i say the time that it'd be for you over there before i go to sleep, and when i wake up. - I say goodnight when i know you'd just be getting up. It's not fair that i've had you taken from me. It's not fair that i can't see you everyday like i used to. I went to your house earlier, well what used to be your house. I went and stood outside it and looked up at the windows. I remember sitting in your mum's bedroom getting ready, and waiting to go to Claire and Vicki's birthday party. I was a hippy and you were a chinese lady. I remember your bright red shoes, and the noise they made when you walked down the stairs and into the car with them on. - You're 16 this year Suki, doesn't that scare you? - it scares me the more i think about it. I want you here Suki, more than anything in the world. I never wanted to be seperated from my best friend. I just want to hear your little laugh, and see those big brown eyes again. I want to see you look up at me when i hug you, and smile. I want my best friend back, and not on the otherside of the world. I want you round the corner, not 11 thousand miles away.I want you, my Suki Broad back here in England, so i can hug you one last time.I miss you, and love you so much.Forever, and always - I promise.<3<3<3<3<3
Period.
Periods. Every girl gets them, whether you're fat or skinny. Regardless of heavy flow or light flow, it hurts like a fucking bitch. - Currently i'm on. Yes you probably don't want to know, but still. When a boy says "Oh, it's not that bad stop moaning!" It is. Really. We don't moan, or cry, or get angry or anything like that to exagerate, we do it because it genuinely makes us act that way, and it hurts. A hell of a fucking lot. The thing that doesn't make sense to me, is that when your body lets out more blood naturally, through nose bleeds or periods, it doesn't hurt. But the second you cut your finger or something, you're running round the house like your arms been cut off, looking for a bandage, let alone a plaster.
Hormones are another thing that comes with "the flow" - Or as me and my partner like to call, "The Marmalade" - grawh, so annoying. When we have mood swings, appear more run down, depressed, upset, angry or just genuinely pissed off for no reason, we don't do it on purpose. We really don't. When a boy acts like we've just killed someone through our anger, we can't help it. Sometimes you'll just feel so run down, and feel like you're 100% ugly. You'll feel like everyone knows you're on, but at the end of the day- every girl has it. We can't help it if we have mood swings, or if we eat everything in the house, or if we shout at you for no reason, or we seem more needy. All we want is cuddles and chocolate, and someone to tell us it's going to be alright. It's alot to ask, I know - but when you find someone who can put up with you regardless of break outs, hormone changes, "hurty boobs", moodswings, constant eating, and the week of constantly doubting yourself, then you know you've got a keeper. I've got my keeper, and he comforts me more than anyone.
Only problem is, I won't see him for the whole of this week whilst i'm on. This is going to be such a long week Blogspot!
Merh, end of!
- P.S, Emily Walker wanted a shout out on this, as i'm sitting next to her in Health and Social class as we speak. Much love for that girl.
Hormones are another thing that comes with "the flow" - Or as me and my partner like to call, "The Marmalade" - grawh, so annoying. When we have mood swings, appear more run down, depressed, upset, angry or just genuinely pissed off for no reason, we don't do it on purpose. We really don't. When a boy acts like we've just killed someone through our anger, we can't help it. Sometimes you'll just feel so run down, and feel like you're 100% ugly. You'll feel like everyone knows you're on, but at the end of the day- every girl has it. We can't help it if we have mood swings, or if we eat everything in the house, or if we shout at you for no reason, or we seem more needy. All we want is cuddles and chocolate, and someone to tell us it's going to be alright. It's alot to ask, I know - but when you find someone who can put up with you regardless of break outs, hormone changes, "hurty boobs", moodswings, constant eating, and the week of constantly doubting yourself, then you know you've got a keeper. I've got my keeper, and he comforts me more than anyone.
Only problem is, I won't see him for the whole of this week whilst i'm on. This is going to be such a long week Blogspot!
Merh, end of!
- P.S, Emily Walker wanted a shout out on this, as i'm sitting next to her in Health and Social class as we speak. Much love for that girl.
Monday, 23 May 2011
People that wanted a blog :3
Lets start with Hughes shall we?- Right..
We've been together, we've fallen out, we've hated each other. We've loved each other, laughed at each other and made complete fools of one another. - Right now he's sitting 2 rows infront of me talking to Keene Bean and Barcher, 2 of the loveliest people I know in all honesty. But back to Hughes, who wanted this blog.
He's gay. - Lol jk!, i'm only joking, I told him i'd blog about him being gay.. so that was it. - Will makes me laugh, he always has, the first time I found out who he was, was back in year 8 when he used to have his sweep fringe. He's always been a hilarious, good looking, down to earth, great to talk to, all round fun guy in all honesty. We've had our times of getting annoyed with each other, and we've had times where we didn't talk, but right now he's one of the nicest, best lads I know and I wouldn't change him for anything. Health and Social wouldn't be the same without you my dear, you're one of 3 lads in the class, and you're so brilliant!
Will Hughes if you're reading this which i'm sure you will be as i've just told you to go on my blog, you're an excellent lad, and I trust you with everything. You're so sound!-
Much love pal, Red!<3<3
Another lad who wanted a blog- Just Joe.
He's so cuddly, lovely, tall and hilarious- he makes me laugh and he's like a big protective brother to me. In all honesty I used to absolutely hate the boy, now I see him everyday and he just makes me laugh no matter what he says. First thing we did today, I was passing by in F-Block, nicked his Pepsi, and burped so goddamn loud. Shortly followed by a laughing fit with him. He's hilarious. - I used to get so annoyed whenever I saw him, now I see him everyday and he just makes me laugh so much!- He's like a brother, who I have Food Tech with every Thursday and Friday, he's hilarious- always has something funny to say, and always knows what to say to make me smile when I need it.
Joe you're a brilliant guy, really classy- full of funny things to say, and I always seem to have a laugh when i'm with you. You're a great guy, and Food Tech's amazing with you.
Much love brother!<3
We've been together, we've fallen out, we've hated each other. We've loved each other, laughed at each other and made complete fools of one another. - Right now he's sitting 2 rows infront of me talking to Keene Bean and Barcher, 2 of the loveliest people I know in all honesty. But back to Hughes, who wanted this blog.
He's gay. - Lol jk!, i'm only joking, I told him i'd blog about him being gay.. so that was it. - Will makes me laugh, he always has, the first time I found out who he was, was back in year 8 when he used to have his sweep fringe. He's always been a hilarious, good looking, down to earth, great to talk to, all round fun guy in all honesty. We've had our times of getting annoyed with each other, and we've had times where we didn't talk, but right now he's one of the nicest, best lads I know and I wouldn't change him for anything. Health and Social wouldn't be the same without you my dear, you're one of 3 lads in the class, and you're so brilliant!
Will Hughes if you're reading this which i'm sure you will be as i've just told you to go on my blog, you're an excellent lad, and I trust you with everything. You're so sound!-
Much love pal, Red!<3<3
Another lad who wanted a blog- Just Joe.
He's so cuddly, lovely, tall and hilarious- he makes me laugh and he's like a big protective brother to me. In all honesty I used to absolutely hate the boy, now I see him everyday and he just makes me laugh no matter what he says. First thing we did today, I was passing by in F-Block, nicked his Pepsi, and burped so goddamn loud. Shortly followed by a laughing fit with him. He's hilarious. - I used to get so annoyed whenever I saw him, now I see him everyday and he just makes me laugh so much!- He's like a brother, who I have Food Tech with every Thursday and Friday, he's hilarious- always has something funny to say, and always knows what to say to make me smile when I need it.
Joe you're a brilliant guy, really classy- full of funny things to say, and I always seem to have a laugh when i'm with you. You're a great guy, and Food Tech's amazing with you.
Much love brother!<3
Thursday, 19 May 2011
Tuesday, 17 May 2011
Wow.
Ok Blogspot, I haven't blogged recently since the death of my Aunty, but now I think it's the right time too.
So me and my boyfriend have been doing things, yes we've not been together for the longest of times, but i trust him- and he trusts me. I don't think i've ever had feelings like this for anyone else, except him. He makes me happy, beyond belief, and I love nothing more than seeing him practically everyday. But now he's left school, he's in the year above and he left school last Friday, and even if I didn't see him that much in school, I miss seeing him around school, and I didn't want him to leave. I never did in the first place. Knowing that he's not in the same place that I am worries me. I'd never, EVER - want to lose someone like him. But that isn't the point of this blog. The fact that I love him more than anything is one thing, but the point someone else felt that our secrets were something that could be brought into normal convosation is another.
I love this girl, so so much- and I always will, even if she has told an entire class of people about what we've done. You can't make me out to be some kind of slut though. We've done things, that's our buisness no one elses. Who I chose to tell, is who I chose to tell. Not anyone elses choice. As much as I love her, I hate her at the same time. She's done things, but I don't blab about it. Merh, tommorow will just be another day of having people say things, or pretending it hasn't affected me. You know who your true friends are when you know they'll keep your secret, and mean it.
I love her, but I hate her. Bit awkward if she was Marmite, but hey ho!-
End of the blog, I've spent the entire Health and Social writing this, but meh!-
Much love, Blogspot.
BTW- I love Emily Walker, she totally didn't make me put that.
So me and my boyfriend have been doing things, yes we've not been together for the longest of times, but i trust him- and he trusts me. I don't think i've ever had feelings like this for anyone else, except him. He makes me happy, beyond belief, and I love nothing more than seeing him practically everyday. But now he's left school, he's in the year above and he left school last Friday, and even if I didn't see him that much in school, I miss seeing him around school, and I didn't want him to leave. I never did in the first place. Knowing that he's not in the same place that I am worries me. I'd never, EVER - want to lose someone like him. But that isn't the point of this blog. The fact that I love him more than anything is one thing, but the point someone else felt that our secrets were something that could be brought into normal convosation is another.
I love this girl, so so much- and I always will, even if she has told an entire class of people about what we've done. You can't make me out to be some kind of slut though. We've done things, that's our buisness no one elses. Who I chose to tell, is who I chose to tell. Not anyone elses choice. As much as I love her, I hate her at the same time. She's done things, but I don't blab about it. Merh, tommorow will just be another day of having people say things, or pretending it hasn't affected me. You know who your true friends are when you know they'll keep your secret, and mean it.
I love her, but I hate her. Bit awkward if she was Marmite, but hey ho!-
End of the blog, I've spent the entire Health and Social writing this, but meh!-
Much love, Blogspot.
BTW- I love Emily Walker, she totally didn't make me put that.
Saturday, 7 May 2011
First Blog.
In all honesty, I have no idea of how to start this blog. But I suppose i'll give it a good a shot as I have with everything else i've ever tried. let's see how far that approach gets me.
Right now my name is irrelevent, call me whatever you like, i'm not fussed. - Now i'm a teenager, yes. Just as angsty as the next kid, and before you pre-judge- no, i'm not some sex obsessed, binge-drinker. So i've had my fair share of experiences, to do with anything and most likely everything, but that doesn't mean that you could automatically prosume what i'm like, what i've been through, or what my story is. It's the one thing that pisses me off is when a complete stranger thinks they can relate to you when they can't, no one really can - except yourself.
Recently my Great-aunty Mary passed away. I've only ever had to deal with death once before that, and that was the devestating bereavment that left a hole in my heart, of one of my closest friends, Miss. Jenna Haywood who died in the summer of 2009. She was one of the most beautiful people, i've ever known in my entire life, and i'm sure no matter how many people I meet, or how old I get, she will always be one of the strongest, most beautiful girls I'll ever meet. As with my Aunty. Never in my life have I met such a strong woman, ever. Whenever I went to visit her at my Grandma's house, she'd either have a drip with her that she'd have to push around with her everywhere she went, tubes sticking out of her arms, stomach and neck, or some kind of needle in her body that was pumping in more pain-killers than anyone needed to make them feel better. The only difference with my Aunty, is that she needed this medication to keep her alive, let alone feeling better.
Not once did I ever hear her say she was in pain. She died of old age, around about March of this year, and even with about 101 different things wrong with her, she put up the fight for the longest time I thought possible, and she passed away as pain free as she deserved. Not once did I ever want to see that amazing woman in pain, and not once did I ever see her in pain. She stuck through everything that was thrown at her. Illness, cancer, chemotherapy, virsuses, operations, diseases and life-threating injuries, she battled through all of it, just so she could sit with a smile on her face infront of the TV with us every Sunday for our Sunday Dinner that my Grandma would cook us.
There hasn't been a day since my dad told me that you'd past away that i've not been thinking of you. There's not been one minute thats gone by that you're not in the back of my mind, lying in a hospital bed slowly slipping through my fingers time and time again. And there hasn't been a second I'm not looking into your precious blue eyes again, telling you that you were going to be ok. Great-Aunty Mary, you're by far one of the most bravest, strongest, amazing women i've ever met, and whenever I have a bad day, I just wish I had the strength and determination you did to get me through another day. You're an inspiration to me, and you always have been, and I hope that you're happy, and not in anymore pain, wherever you may be now. I wish I could see your eyes open one last time, so I could wrap my arms around you, and tell you to stay strong. I miss you, and I love you so much, and I always will. Stay strong Aunty Mary, you're safe now. I love you.
That was my first blog. A personal, most likely touching blog. Quite strange really, I told myself before I started blogging not to throw you in at my emotional deep end. Guess i've failed there, sorry Blogspot. - But I guess it's what it's all about,Tada.
Right now my name is irrelevent, call me whatever you like, i'm not fussed. - Now i'm a teenager, yes. Just as angsty as the next kid, and before you pre-judge- no, i'm not some sex obsessed, binge-drinker. So i've had my fair share of experiences, to do with anything and most likely everything, but that doesn't mean that you could automatically prosume what i'm like, what i've been through, or what my story is. It's the one thing that pisses me off is when a complete stranger thinks they can relate to you when they can't, no one really can - except yourself.
Recently my Great-aunty Mary passed away. I've only ever had to deal with death once before that, and that was the devestating bereavment that left a hole in my heart, of one of my closest friends, Miss. Jenna Haywood who died in the summer of 2009. She was one of the most beautiful people, i've ever known in my entire life, and i'm sure no matter how many people I meet, or how old I get, she will always be one of the strongest, most beautiful girls I'll ever meet. As with my Aunty. Never in my life have I met such a strong woman, ever. Whenever I went to visit her at my Grandma's house, she'd either have a drip with her that she'd have to push around with her everywhere she went, tubes sticking out of her arms, stomach and neck, or some kind of needle in her body that was pumping in more pain-killers than anyone needed to make them feel better. The only difference with my Aunty, is that she needed this medication to keep her alive, let alone feeling better.
Not once did I ever hear her say she was in pain. She died of old age, around about March of this year, and even with about 101 different things wrong with her, she put up the fight for the longest time I thought possible, and she passed away as pain free as she deserved. Not once did I ever want to see that amazing woman in pain, and not once did I ever see her in pain. She stuck through everything that was thrown at her. Illness, cancer, chemotherapy, virsuses, operations, diseases and life-threating injuries, she battled through all of it, just so she could sit with a smile on her face infront of the TV with us every Sunday for our Sunday Dinner that my Grandma would cook us.
There hasn't been a day since my dad told me that you'd past away that i've not been thinking of you. There's not been one minute thats gone by that you're not in the back of my mind, lying in a hospital bed slowly slipping through my fingers time and time again. And there hasn't been a second I'm not looking into your precious blue eyes again, telling you that you were going to be ok. Great-Aunty Mary, you're by far one of the most bravest, strongest, amazing women i've ever met, and whenever I have a bad day, I just wish I had the strength and determination you did to get me through another day. You're an inspiration to me, and you always have been, and I hope that you're happy, and not in anymore pain, wherever you may be now. I wish I could see your eyes open one last time, so I could wrap my arms around you, and tell you to stay strong. I miss you, and I love you so much, and I always will. Stay strong Aunty Mary, you're safe now. I love you.
That was my first blog. A personal, most likely touching blog. Quite strange really, I told myself before I started blogging not to throw you in at my emotional deep end. Guess i've failed there, sorry Blogspot. - But I guess it's what it's all about,Tada.
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